Please be warned, this missive contains little to no science or skepticism, and is intended only as a follow-up to my recent posts about the sexy Halloween craze.
After work last night, I joined a few friends for drinks. I was dressed as a roller derby girl, complete with quad skates, helmet, pads, and black eye. I was joined by the Green Lantern (I believe he was the Hal Jordan version) and Supergirl, and later the “debauchery referee,” aka “girl who grabbed a striped shirt and a whistle to go out drinking.”
I was on a mission to identify the most ludicrous “sexy” costume, but our first venue offered nothing but some scantily clad cowgirl waitresses and a sexy devil wearing a strapless red halter top, horns, and a pointy tail. She sat at the bar with less festively dressed friends, periodically adjusting her boobs.
We polished off two margarita bowls and decided to move to another bar. Upon standing up, I realized that skates plus margaritas equal gracelessness on a level even I have difficulty reaching on a normal basis. The marble steps outside were a blast.
As we walked down the street, we were disappointed to note very few costumes. That is, until we ran into a dominatrix leading a man by a leash. I got the feeling they weren’t dressing up any differently than usual. They were heading to Vox down the street, where apparently there was a costume contest. We followed the kinksters into a veritable mecca of costumed people-watching.
The two-level bar had the most space upstairs, so I slowly climbed the winding marble staircase on my tiptoes as my friends followed with my drink. It was an after school special waiting to happen: kids, don’t drink and skate.
As the bar began to fill, it soon became evident that the most popular costume this year was “Girl with Low Self-Esteem.” This was clearly chosen by those people who scanned the Sexy aisle of the local costume shop but were unable to find anything to their liking. They instead decided to wear the shortest skirts they could find paired with high heels, low-cut top, a liberal amount of glittery make-up, and any one of the following: wings, horns, halo, tiara, wig, ears, silly yet sexy hat. The latter is what separated Halloween from any other night out.
In case you were worried, the guys appeared to be nearly as interested in sexiness as the girls. There were two Hugh Hefners (older guy wins for authenticity but gets demerits for skeeviness), at least one pimp, the aforementioned sub, and a legion of 70s sports figures (my favorites being the swim team, who looked like they had just stepped out of a Beastie Boys video, and an inspired Larry Bird with an impressive blond afro). My winner for most horrific girl costume goes to the THREE girls who dressed as . . . wait for it . . . GOLD DIGGER. One was homemade, so she gets a small amount of kudos, but the other two were dressed identically, using the same trashy gold lamme visual affront to nature they got from the $3.99 bin at Whore World. Just kidding — it was the $49.99 bin. Larry Bird was all over one of the gold diggers, which I guess means that he’s not very broken up about the recent death of Red Auerbach.
One of my favorite girl costumes was a poodle. She was kind of sexy in that she showed a little leg, but she was unabashedly going for adorable over sexy in that she was wearing a giant fluffy white costume. I kept hugging her because she felt like clouds. Not real clouds, but dream clouds. Best overall costume was Pluto, which I didn’t even get to see but saw a picture of this morning. One person was the rest of the solar system, with a highlighter-yellow face as the sun and a mobile of planets spinning around her face, and the other person had a single tiny ball on his head representing Pluto (with a sad face).
Overall, yes, there were a lot of girls dressed like whores, but I was happy to see that a surprisingly large percentage came up with some good costumes that were a lot of fun. My conclusion: sellers of sexy costumes have not yet destroyed feminism or Halloween.
You can see photos of everything here (click on “Halloween 2006 at Vox Populi”), including one photo of me and my compatriots. I may edit this post at a later hour to include photos I took.