In London, I told Sid a story about my youth; specifically, about how I was in a program called “Gifted and Talented,” reserved for just a few kids who teachers thought could benefit from extracurricular activities like science experiments, logic puzzles, and field trips. The crux of the story was that the GT group always faced an uphill battle, receiving little to no funding or support from the school board and constantly needing to justify our existence. Sid immediately ignored the point in order to focus on mocking me whenever possible — for instance, I may have become a bit frustrated pushing on a door that was meant to be pulled, prompting Sid to giggle and make snide comments about how gifted I am. And yes, we’ve all seen that Far Side cartoon. Shut up.
Well, apparently I didn’t realize it but I am actually even more special than anyone in the ’80s could have guessed. And not “special” in that way. Shut up.
No, I’m actually an Indigo Child. Yes, that’s right, an Indigo Child. I’m sure this doesn’t come as a shock to most of you who know me, since really it should’ve been obvious from the get-go, but this just goes to show that sometimes we miss what is right in front of our noses. Like how to open a particular door.
If you don’t believe me, you obviously aren’t a fan of ABC’s Good Morning America, a program that recently presented a news story on the Indigos. Here’s an article, in case you missed the show but still want to torture your brain. The article mentions that most Indigos are “highly accomplished, deeply spiritual, and gifted with psychic abilities.” Highly accomplished? Describes me perfectly! Deeply spiritual — well, I WAS when I was a kid, but of course my poor parents had no idea how to maximize my Indigo-ness at the time, so I’ve since lost that. But I’m definitely gifted with psychic abilities, since I can clearly see that the future of ABC holds more and more new age bunk passed off as news. The article also mentions that Indigos have piercing blue eyes, which, of course, I do. Piercing, see?
If you look somewhere in the middle, you’ll see a sentence devoted to the skeptical side of things. This is immediately followed by
However, Marjie Bershad, Sandie’s mother, says she knew her daughter was different “in utero.”
“There was always something different about her — more adult, more focused,” Marjie Bershad said.
I was the same way, but apparently my mother and father didn’t understand what signs to look for. I was a very adult, very focused fetus. My parents actually have an ultrasound showing me sitting in the womb at approximately seven months, smoking a pipe and playing gin rummy. My mother spent four hours in labor, during which time I completed the Sunday New York Times Crossword.
Sandie said her most memorable experience was when her friend’s recently deceased father appeared to her. . . . Sandie said that the father had revealed some private things to her that no one could know about his marriage.
“I had to keep that back for a while because I didn’t want to say anything when he first died,” she said.
How did that go, exactly?
GHOST: Oooooh, Saaaandie!
SANDIE: Yes, Mr. Baxter?
GHOST: Saaaandie, please tell my daughter that I love her!
SANDIE: Okay, Mr. Baxter, sure . . .
GHOST: And Saaaaaandie?
SANDIE: Yes, Mr. Baxter?
GHOST: Saaaaandie, tell my wife that I . . .
GHOST: Tell her that I . . . I . . .
SANDIE: What is it, Mr. Baxter?
GHOST: Tell that lying whore I know about Don Peterson from down the street and I don’t care because I’ve been boning his wife since last Labor Day.
Anyway, it should be obvious to everyone except the Indigo geniuses and the ABC producers that these people are sadly delusional. Everyone wants to be special. Everyone wants to be gifted, and/or talented at something, and most people are, but there is a sad subset of people who feel the only way they can stand out is through fantasy. They’d prefer to be “gifted with psychic abilities” rather than just empathetic, and “misunderstood” rather than just assholes that the other kids don’t want to play with. Who wouldn’t? But with their parents already causing plenty of psychological damage by encouraging this stuff, it would be nice if “news” organizations didn’t feed into their fantasies any more.