The Sunday Night Sermon, Now With More Credulity!
I’ve heard from a number of you (Bug Girl, Rav Winston, and a few others) who wished to alert me to the recent news that Pat Robertson can leg press 2,000 pounds. It appears as though a lot of people are skeptical of this claim, considering that the previous world record was about 1300 pounds. Also, Pat Robertson is 76. And possibly delusional.
However! I wonder if any of you skeptics have considered this: can you disprove the fact that Pat Robertson can leg press 2,000 pounds? Not so smug now, are you?
I know how much you skeptics like your evidence, so let’s weigh both sides, shall we?
Skeptics have: anecdotal evidence that men in their 70s have enough trouble with jars of pickles, let alone a solid ton of weights.
Pat has:Ã‚ God’s blessing.
Skeptics have: a proven history that Pat is full of shit.
Pat has: a magically delicious smoothie!
Skeptics have: an overwhelming sense of sadness concerning the future of the human race.
There you go –Ã‚ I think the winner is clear. To really seal the deal, know this: Dan Kendra held the former record for a leg press at 1,335 pounds. When Dan performed his feat, his eyeballs exploded. Well, the capillaries in his eyes. Do you have any idea what this means? Not only does Pat Robertson possess the strongest thighs in the world, but also his eyeballs are blessedly protected by Jesus.
For those of you who stupidly remain skeptical of this feat, CBN has posted a little tidbit of info just for you:
His doctor, by the way, has leg pressed 2,700 pounds.Ã‚
The web site went on to say:
Yeah, he like, totally did it last week. Oh, you weren’t there? Yeah, we were just hanging out at the aquarium and we saw a narwhal — what’s that? Oh, it’s just a small Arctic whale with a tusk that Medieval Europeans believed had magical powers, like a unicornÃ‚ — so anyway,Ã‚ the docÃ‚ sees this narwhal and says, “What do you guys think that is, like 27 hundred? I could leg press that.” SoÃ‚ next thing you know, we’ve got the thing hooked to the machine andÃ‚ thirty second later I owe Bobby $10.Ã‚ What, you want to see him do it again? Oh, sorry, the aquarium says we can’t have another narwhal. Yeah, too bad.
I trust that now you all have the evidence you need to make a rational decision on this matter. And make sure it’s the right rational decision, or else risk the possibility of Pat Robertson coming to your house and squeezing your head like a grape between his throbbing thighs of holy justice.