God to Creationists: “Let me spell it out for you nice and slow…”
If ignorance is bliss, then creationists the world over just got a little sadder as scientists announce the discovery of yet another “intermediate fossil,” showing an animal caught midway between the land and the sea like a pre-op transvestite with only one fake boob in place.
I’ll give you a second to go back and try to parse that sentence. There’s a lot going on.
The animal has been named Tiktaalik roseae, which means, “Thing that is further proof that God is just testing us, the sadistic bastard.” For the purposes of this essay, we’ll refer to him as “Tik-Tak the Finger Fish.”
Tik-Tak has fins with the beginnings of little digits, as well as shoulders, wrists, neck, elbows, and other non-fishy attributes. The discovery is so cool that it actually inspired the team’s leader,Ã‚ Dr. Neil H. Shubin of the University of Chicago, to state
“. .Ã‚ . holy cow.”
I can’t think of a more appropriate phrase for an evolutionary biologist to utter.
Now, this isn’t the first of these sneaky transvestite organisms to be found. There’s also Archaeopteryx, a scary looking thing caught between lizards and birds (shown here doing his patented dance, “In Your Face, Creationist Nonsense“).
“But wait,” I hear you ask, “what are we going to do now that there is no more creationist nonsense to combat?”
Fear not, gentle reader. Duane T. Gish, retired Chief Creationist in Charge of Misinformation and Utter Foolishness for the Institute for Creation Research in San Diego, responds thusly:
“This alleged transitional fish will have to be evaluated carefully.” But he added that he still found evolution “questionable because paleontologists have yet to discover any transitional fossils between complex invertebrates and fish, and this destroys the whole evolutionary story.”
Oh no, you sunk our evolutionary battleship, you delightful cad, you! I’d like to respond further to Gish’s comment, but my brain exploded with the knowledge that millions of years of evolution have thus far resulted in organisms who can say things like “paleontologists have yet to discover any transitional fossils between complex invertebrates and fish, and this destroys the whole evolutionary story” without the slightest trace of irony. I hope the editors of The Onion read that quote, as it’ll make their jobs much easier since they can just reproduce it word for word. Here, I’ll even help with a headline:
Area Creationist Looks at Irrefutable Evidence of Evolution, Desperately Grasps for New Way to Be Ignorant
If there is in fact a god, I’d be willing to bet that he is currently gazing down upon the creationists for the exact same reason that I ocassionally tune in to America’s Next Top Model.