Drink Brass Monkey, Here's How You Feel.

I’m going to set the topical science news aside for a moment to talk about a subject that is very near and dear to me: monkeys.

I love monkeys. Just saying the word makes me happy. Monkey. Go ahead, try it now. Monkey.

As a child, I always held onto a smug satisfaction as I gnawed on my sesame chicken at the local Chinese restaurant and gazed with pity upon my brothers after we consulted our placemats. The poor things: one a snake, vile lowly creature destined to slink on his belly for eternity. The other a tiger, the butt of the Chinese mythological joke, continually duped by the charming and clever . . . monkey.

That’s right. As if you all didn’t already know, I am a monkey, arguably (but not very) the greatest Chinese horoscope symbol there is.

Let’s go to astrology.com and validate my superiority complex, shall we?

The spunky Monkey is the original party animal! Charming and energetic, Monkeys crave fun, activity and stimulation. They truly know how to have a good time and can often be seen swinging from one group of friends to another, attracting a motley crew in the process. Always upbeat, they are considered minor celebrities in their circle thanks to their sparkling wit and that rapier-sharp mind. Perhaps surprisingly, Monkeys are also good listeners and tackle complicated situations with ease. This Sign’s natural curiosity lends it the desire to become knowledgeable on a broad range of topics. Monkeys have a show-off side that loves nothing more than to dazzle their pals with all they know.

It’s all true! This is incredible, because if I were to write a paragraph all about myself, it would be this exactly. But probably with less monkey puns.

Oh, who am I kidding? There would be all those monkey puns and more. This personality profile is amazing — I do crave fun, activity, and stimulation. I do have a very odd mixture of friends. I’m not really always upbeat, but hey, I consider myself an optimist so it works. Sparkling wit? Rapier-sharp mind? This is no time for modesty — it’s all true! I am quite the generalist, I’m quite curious about things, and I show off a lot. Maybe there is something to this horoscope thing. Let’s read on, shall we?

The Monkey tends to be rather accident-prone due to a certain lack of very high morals.

Okay, hold on a second. Lack of high morals? Me? Tell that to the orphans I saved from that burning bus. Or the school children I’m tutoring on court order after running the red light and hitting that bus of orphans.

And what does being moral have to do with being accident prone? That doesn’t even make sense, so I’m chalking this one up to a typo and moving on.

This Sign’s first interest is pursuing its own pleasure; this is not a malicious interest, it’s just the way the Monkey is. However, this kind of carefree self-involvement can lead to all kinds of scrapes.

Now that’s just unfair. I’m self-involved but I can’t help it because that’s just the way I am? What happened to the ability to change? What happened to personal responsibility? Why won’t the horoscope give me permission to accept my personal responsibility, damn it?

In love, the Monkey makes a fun, exciting lover

Thank you.Â

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— but one that may have the potential to stray romantically.

Lies!

The good news is, the Monkey’s glib manner and witty repartee can often get this Sign out of a scrape. Perhaps not everyone will be won over by the Monkey — but do you think the Monkey really cares? The Monkey’s world, full of devil-may-care energy and revelry, isn’t for everyone. Remember, though, it’s not that this Sign is mean; it might just be a bit too curious for its own good.

Hey, I care. I care! But it’s kind of true — all those times people have accused me of being mean, I was really just being curious. See? It’s a common mistake.

Monkeys often feel the need to try everything at least once, which can make for a merry-go-round of relationships.

A “merry-go-round of relationships?” That’s going way over the line. The thing with the horse was just a phase. It was consensual. Jesus.

The Monkey’s love of self-indulgence can also lead to other types of trouble. This Sign may have limited self-control concerning food, alcohol and other pleasurable activities. It’s party time all the time for the Monkey, yet when it leads to a monster hangover or a shattered heart (generally someone else’s, not theirs), this Sign might actually show a touch of remorse. They won’t flat-out admit the error of their ways, but at least they’ll pull back and try to tone things down — for a while.

Hey, I have plenty of self control. Plenty. Shut up.

Monkeys must try to learn to think of others ahead of themselves, at least some of the time. This Sign’s world will be more complete once it realizes the world doesn’t revolve around it.

I beg to differ.

So anyway, all in all I think this horoscope scores a pretty big hit for me. It managed to get all of the good personality traits right, though sadly none of the not-so-good traits. Funny thing, though — the coworker in the cube immediately next to mine is also a monkey. I can only assume that this was some kind of cosmic muck-up, since according to multiple outside unbiased sources, we are complete and utter opposites in nearly every way possible; lesser differences have been observed in me versus any randomly chosen coelacanth. Still, though, astrology.com observes that my most compatible signs are the rat and the dragon. Despite the fact that you have inferior mythological avatars, I encourage all rats and dragons to call me so we can “test our compatibility.”

On second thought, just dragons. I’ve dated enough rats.